People say stupid things.
I have always heard people repeat idiotic slogans that are supposed to make you feel better. Let me give some examples, “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.”
What a crock of s**t that one is. I was taught that useless mantra as a child, I suppose some misguided adult thought it would make up for all the jeers and insults hurled at me by other children. Not only does common sense tell you that words have more lasting damage but research is showing the same thing as neuroscientist realize with the aid of the fMRI that rejection does in fact show up as pain in the same area of the brain that registers a broken arm.
Useless fable #2, “time heals all wounds.”
Yet another crock and it’s not the nice kind that comes out of a crock pot and includes slow roasted potatoes.
“Time heals all wounds.”
Tell that to the guy with the bullet lodged in his brain from twenty years ago. Now I am not saying that time doesn’t help. It does. Time helps for certain types of wounds namely those that have been treated properly and this does not include amputations.
I remember one time my 220 pound English Mastiff somehow got a small cut on his leg, I didn’t realize he had even been injured until it turned into a huge puss filled lump with all the skin healed over it. Left untreated it would have eventually at least cost him his leg. I had to take a knife lance the original injury back open and drain all the puss out then disinfect the wound, not once but everyday for about a week before it finally sealed up and healed properly.
Untreated wounds generally get worse as time goes on and have the potential to eventually kill a person.
Try the “time heals all wounds” method the next time you have athletes foot or a tooth infection, I think then you will understand the wisdom of my words.
The same is true for emotional wounds, you have to treat them first and then time can do its work. Covering something up then waiting for it to go away is a fool proof method for a psychological/emotional disaster of sorts.
So the next time some person tries to share this type of sage advice with you, just nod your head politely and then flush it down the proverbial toilet.
BTW since I only have one person who reads this, it is not directed at you but at the world. Though, I know, the world isn’t listening. Darn!
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OUCH: posted the day after our luncheon. HMMM.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, when we don’t know what to say but have to say something, it’s easier to come out with something trite than wait out an embarrassed, empty silence. I am amused when I watch the murder shows on TV and the stock condolence phrase is, “I’m sorry for your loss,” but what do you say when you have to inform a stranger about the death of their loved one? You don’t know the person, but you know far too many details about him/her, including an often ugly last few moments of life. Somehow, "sucks to be you" just doesn't seem as sincere as "sorry for your loss."
I grew up with my life filled with those little meaningless words/phrases and often used to think of a jar on the counter filled with handfuls of words for any occasion. While I was younger, I alternated between angry and amused, thinking that anyone with an ounce of intelligence can come up with something to say – even in those times/circumstances when words just don’t work. Today, I find myself filling in the empty, awkward silences with those same words and phrases, anything to help fill the space where there is nothing and no one but a painful memory.
However, may I also emphatically agree that I am one of those who cringe when I meet the person whose entire speech repertoire is an endless, meaningless, drool of drivel!
Oh trust me; this had nothing to do with the delightful lunch we all shared. Except maybe indirectly, you did remind me that I had no posted for a while at lunch that afternoon. As a result the next time I had a wild hair lodged in an unspeakable location I vented on my blog.
ReplyDeleteI think all of us are guilty at times of saying senseless things to fill in a silent space. After the death of my baby I got in the habit of thinking twice before stating, “I know how you feel” if I didn’t really know how someone felt, even then everyone processes trauma differently. Those of us who feel the yearning to fix situations and the people in them are probably prone to say something to help. Also, those who want a quick out when confronted with an overwhelming situation. Probably, there are lots of reasons why people say stupid things. I do it myself with great regularity. Anyhow I loved visiting with both of you and am looking forward to doing it again.