I have spent ten years with the same man.
They have not been good years with him.
Why is it so hard to let go?
When I look back my memories of the good things, they center around my children.
I dont hate this man, I care about him, I love him, but I get phsically ill around him.
When I saw a phychologist for a few month, I was diagnosed with Post Tramatic Stress syndrome, related in large part to my marriage.

Rewind,

I was sick in bed, had been throwing up, he presses his cock against me and starts to let me know he wants sex. He always wants sex, his desire for sex is like a big hungry black hole that is never filled.
"come on Derek" I plead. "I dont feel good"
He continues unabated to grope me in ways that make me feel like nothing more than a peice of meat.
"Your body doesnt belong to you anymore, it mine, remember" Derek, the husband, the pastor, qouting scripture at me.
"you are supposed to submit to me in all things" he reminds me
"So you dont care if I am sick? If I dont want to?" me gauging him, does he give a shit?
"No. You will like it once I get going." he says
"So you just want me to spread my legs and let you do what ever you want? You dont really care how I feel?" seeking for some shread of concern, care, empathy from him.
"Yes. Whats wrong with you, before we were married you were a whore (I wasnt really) and now the sex is holy approved by God and you dont want it. You liked being a whore and you dont like what God has approved, whats wrong with you?" Derek
He does what he wants, gets what he wants.
Is it my will he is after, am I like a cattle a piece of meat to him?
This senerio plays out for nine years, then I say stop. Then he blames me for his forays into porno and an internet relationship with his old girlfriend.

To the world he looks like the nice guy, and he is, in front of them.
At home he is a monster.
But I perpetuated the myth for all those years in the minsitry, believing people would make heaven if they respected my husband and I could turn people away from God if I told the truth.
When I stopped believing that, no one believes me. I have been extolling his virtures for years.
I tape recorded him talking to me recently, and when I feel like I am going crazy I just listen to him berate me, and me sanity returns, my assurance that filing for a divorce was right comes back to me.